my mind

I am having some issues lately. I am one of those people who has problems with depression. It is sort of like a life long low grade fever sort of depression. I can get out of bed, and go to work and function, but everything is sort of gray tone. No color in my world. About 7 years ago, while I was in counseling, my counselor suggested that I wasn't fully not depressed, and maybe I need to have my meds checked. She talked to my doctor and he agreed to alter them and it was truly as if the clouds parted and the angels sang. For the first time in years, I felt joy, and I laughed and really enjoyed things. And those meds worked for 7 glorious years. And then, they didn't.  So I have been on new meds for about 3 weeks and dude, I am not having a good time lately. It just sucks. I was having such a good run, and then they started not being so great. I don't want to feel bad anymore. I want to stop crying. I want to look forward to stuff, instead of just dreading things and being crappy. And I have the worst job ever right now, and can barely force myself to actually go there every day. I am not now, nor have I ever been, suicidal, and that isn't going to change. I know how it feels to feel good.  I know I can get there again, but right now I am not there and that just sucks!!!

Oy, part 2

I have been working 4 jobs, but 2 of them were seasonal, and ended after Christmas, so I am not unused to working hard. I am however unused to working 10 hours a day, on my feet all day. Hence the whining.

But at the job, which is a food processing plant, I am surrounded by Filipino, Mexican and Thai women, and men I assume, though don't see as many. And if you have never worked with different cultures, you are missing out. Honestly. These women have so much fun and laugh all day long. ANd then, at lunch, in various groups, the pile the table full of all their food, and share and eat together. They have such an immense culture of community. And joy. And these people do these jobs 52 weeks a year, unlike me, who is only there for 12 weeks. They work their asses off every single day.

I grew up in the deep south, and now live in the Pacific northwest. In Seattle, there is a higher population of African Americans, but in  smaller towns, there are really very few. It is so white. Sooooooo white. I really want to move to the Am SouthWest, where there is a rich mix of culture. Here is how I am. When I see an older black woman, I want to run up and hug her, because it feel like home. I don;t do that, because I am just making the internal assumption that she is from the south, and that is a stereotype in and of itself. But I have on occasion has such wonderful conversations with black women who have lived it the south. We talk food. Southern, delicious soul food. Fried okra, real tomatoes, all the jillion type of field peas-black eye, field peas, lady peas, butter beans and butterpeas (these are not limas, but I like them, too) corn and tomatoes that are ripe in mid july. Biscuits and cornbread, and dear heavenly days, southern cornbread dressing at  Thanksgiving. Be still my heart.

I miss multi colored folk. And sleep. I miss that, too.

Oy

Forgive me. I just started a new, temp job, but I work 10 hour shifts, and get up at 4 a.m. and frankly I am draggin my ass. It will take me a couple of weeks to get used to it. It is a very physical job, which is good for me, but dude, I am old, fat and out of shape. And really tired.

Sunday

Don't they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions? Well, I am paving like crazy. I try to be a good blogger, but really, I sort of suck at it. I blog because I think it is good for me to try to express myself somewhere. But when I get ready to actually write, I am really dull!
A few things I am really liking right now.

I am reading "Wild, Succulent Women" by Sark. For years I really did not like her for absolutely no reason. Seriously, I hadn't read any of her stuff, but just disliked it. AS best as I can figure, her handwritten style was hard for me to focus on, and was very distracting. Maybe I grew up. But I am really enjoying her right now. She is completely woman centered in this book, but that is what I was looking for. Anyway, so sorry , Sark, I have seen the error of my ways.


I love Pink. Yes, the color, too, but really the singer. She is smart and funny and can sing live and not suck. There was so much hoopla over Taylor Swift's off key performance, but what is new. She is always really off key, live. She is not alone in that. I think there are very few musicians who sound good, consistently, singing live. Pink can. The Dixie Chicks can- Natalie Maines never misses a note. Brandi Carlile is also fabulous live, and on key. Taylor Swift appears to be a smart, talented, charming young woman. She writes her own songs- ALL of them. That is great. And she has had phenomenal success speaking to young women and girls.

But back to Pink. I love her.
Go watch this.So What, by Pink
If it doesn't work just go to youtube and search for Pink So What.

I am sort of the family ne'er do well. I have worked all my life, just ekeing out a living. The rest of my family has money, but I do  not. Before Christmas I was working 4 jobs, one of which was full time. And it was a seasonal one, so I was furiously job hunting again. Friday I got a new, temporary job, which is actually perfect for me. I work at an RV park in the summer, and I love it, but it isn't summer yet, and I was in a pinch, so now I have a 3 month, minumum wage job, but it will get me through, and I still work one good paying part time job. I will be fine. And then in the Fall, I am going to grow up, at 50, and go to school so I can support myself well.

And I love Brandi Carlile. Every thing she does is perfect. And if you go see her, you will love her even more. She has mad talent.

I started new meds, and man, I need a nap. The old ones caused insomnia, but these are knocking me flat. Since in the new job I have to get up at 4 a.m., I hope I acclimate to the new ones soon. Do not want to fall into the fish stick machine.