She's baaack

The prodigal fish packer returns. I am no longer packing fish, or getting up at 4 a.m.- hallelujah!! That was an awful job, and one of the hardest jobs, physically, that I have ever done, and I have worked some jobs. But now I am returning to my season job and an RV park that I really love. It is in a beautiful locale and for very nice managers, and I really enjoy it. And it is not so ass-kicking as the fish place.

I am planning on returning to school  in the fall, but at 50, I still don't know really what I want to do. My primary goal is to make a living. And I would like to not have to work in awful conditions. And would like to get decent pay. I don't require a lot, but would like more than minimum wage. I have several options, but am exploring them.

my mind

I am having some issues lately. I am one of those people who has problems with depression. It is sort of like a life long low grade fever sort of depression. I can get out of bed, and go to work and function, but everything is sort of gray tone. No color in my world. About 7 years ago, while I was in counseling, my counselor suggested that I wasn't fully not depressed, and maybe I need to have my meds checked. She talked to my doctor and he agreed to alter them and it was truly as if the clouds parted and the angels sang. For the first time in years, I felt joy, and I laughed and really enjoyed things. And those meds worked for 7 glorious years. And then, they didn't.  So I have been on new meds for about 3 weeks and dude, I am not having a good time lately. It just sucks. I was having such a good run, and then they started not being so great. I don't want to feel bad anymore. I want to stop crying. I want to look forward to stuff, instead of just dreading things and being crappy. And I have the worst job ever right now, and can barely force myself to actually go there every day. I am not now, nor have I ever been, suicidal, and that isn't going to change. I know how it feels to feel good.  I know I can get there again, but right now I am not there and that just sucks!!!

Oy, part 2

I have been working 4 jobs, but 2 of them were seasonal, and ended after Christmas, so I am not unused to working hard. I am however unused to working 10 hours a day, on my feet all day. Hence the whining.

But at the job, which is a food processing plant, I am surrounded by Filipino, Mexican and Thai women, and men I assume, though don't see as many. And if you have never worked with different cultures, you are missing out. Honestly. These women have so much fun and laugh all day long. ANd then, at lunch, in various groups, the pile the table full of all their food, and share and eat together. They have such an immense culture of community. And joy. And these people do these jobs 52 weeks a year, unlike me, who is only there for 12 weeks. They work their asses off every single day.

I grew up in the deep south, and now live in the Pacific northwest. In Seattle, there is a higher population of African Americans, but in  smaller towns, there are really very few. It is so white. Sooooooo white. I really want to move to the Am SouthWest, where there is a rich mix of culture. Here is how I am. When I see an older black woman, I want to run up and hug her, because it feel like home. I don;t do that, because I am just making the internal assumption that she is from the south, and that is a stereotype in and of itself. But I have on occasion has such wonderful conversations with black women who have lived it the south. We talk food. Southern, delicious soul food. Fried okra, real tomatoes, all the jillion type of field peas-black eye, field peas, lady peas, butter beans and butterpeas (these are not limas, but I like them, too) corn and tomatoes that are ripe in mid july. Biscuits and cornbread, and dear heavenly days, southern cornbread dressing at  Thanksgiving. Be still my heart.

I miss multi colored folk. And sleep. I miss that, too.

Oy

Forgive me. I just started a new, temp job, but I work 10 hour shifts, and get up at 4 a.m. and frankly I am draggin my ass. It will take me a couple of weeks to get used to it. It is a very physical job, which is good for me, but dude, I am old, fat and out of shape. And really tired.

Sunday

Don't they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions? Well, I am paving like crazy. I try to be a good blogger, but really, I sort of suck at it. I blog because I think it is good for me to try to express myself somewhere. But when I get ready to actually write, I am really dull!
A few things I am really liking right now.

I am reading "Wild, Succulent Women" by Sark. For years I really did not like her for absolutely no reason. Seriously, I hadn't read any of her stuff, but just disliked it. AS best as I can figure, her handwritten style was hard for me to focus on, and was very distracting. Maybe I grew up. But I am really enjoying her right now. She is completely woman centered in this book, but that is what I was looking for. Anyway, so sorry , Sark, I have seen the error of my ways.


I love Pink. Yes, the color, too, but really the singer. She is smart and funny and can sing live and not suck. There was so much hoopla over Taylor Swift's off key performance, but what is new. She is always really off key, live. She is not alone in that. I think there are very few musicians who sound good, consistently, singing live. Pink can. The Dixie Chicks can- Natalie Maines never misses a note. Brandi Carlile is also fabulous live, and on key. Taylor Swift appears to be a smart, talented, charming young woman. She writes her own songs- ALL of them. That is great. And she has had phenomenal success speaking to young women and girls.

But back to Pink. I love her.
Go watch this.So What, by Pink
If it doesn't work just go to youtube and search for Pink So What.

I am sort of the family ne'er do well. I have worked all my life, just ekeing out a living. The rest of my family has money, but I do  not. Before Christmas I was working 4 jobs, one of which was full time. And it was a seasonal one, so I was furiously job hunting again. Friday I got a new, temporary job, which is actually perfect for me. I work at an RV park in the summer, and I love it, but it isn't summer yet, and I was in a pinch, so now I have a 3 month, minumum wage job, but it will get me through, and I still work one good paying part time job. I will be fine. And then in the Fall, I am going to grow up, at 50, and go to school so I can support myself well.

And I love Brandi Carlile. Every thing she does is perfect. And if you go see her, you will love her even more. She has mad talent.

I started new meds, and man, I need a nap. The old ones caused insomnia, but these are knocking me flat. Since in the new job I have to get up at 4 a.m., I hope I acclimate to the new ones soon. Do not want to fall into the fish stick machine.

The List

Do you have a life list? Some call it a bucket list, but I call it a life list. It changes every time I write it down.
Here are some things I would like to do.
Lie in the Southwest for a while.
Spend a Christmas in a unique place.
Go to Ireland, Wales and Scotland
Go to Tuscany
Go to Provence.
Remodel a vintage motorhome for me.
Open a store.
Have sex again.
Finish college of some sort.

What is on yours?

Too Much

I have too much crap. I missed the hoarding gene by a mere fraction of DNA. I didn't get the emotional attachment to every piece of tinfoil that ever passed through my life. I sold my business and home 2 years ago, and I moved close to my sister, and we sort of spent the year thrifting. But when I moved, I went from a 3 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment. And a really big storage unit. But, boy do I have a bunch of little doo dads, from little tins, jars, and containers, to various things I got a wild hair about at the time. When I really like something, I tend to buy them everytime I see them. Like stove top espresso makers. I have several. You never know when you need a back up. Or 3. Those rug punch hooks that use yarn to make rugs, and they operate like an hand beater. You spin the handle in one hand, while holding it with the other. They are just cool, so I buy them. I also have several needle punch needles. Sometimes, I do that so I can show people how to do something and then just let them keep the tool. When I only paid 50 cents for something, I don't mind giving it away. But it adds up in my apartment. So I am trying to destash. My goal is to be able to live comfortably in a studio apartment. That is huge for me. And it means parting with so.Much.Crap. Oy.

Tuesday

I have very little interesting to say today. I worked at job #1 yesterday and today. Will go to #2 tomorrow through Saturday. #1 is a job that makes microphones for listening to whales. I am the entire factory. The second is for a local RV park and is entirely different and I really like it. While one job is very non-public the other is a very public and so it is a nice balance. I like customer service and delaing with people but it is also really nice to just work alone and not have to deal with anyone but my boss, and somedays I only have to deal with him a little bit. ANd I like that. Some days he is sort of hard to tolerate- he micromanages everything and drives me nuts. He is also funny and interesting.

But I am seriously looking for a full time job that will support me while I go to school so I can get a real job. I would like to keep #1 job, because he pays me really well, and makes it affordable for me to take a lesser paying job. But I am sort of tired of working 7 days a week. I want some fun.

But I really want a job that pays enough for me to be safe and comfortable, and that allows me to take a little trip now and then and save a little for retirement, and buy a new pair of shoes if I want. I don't need alot, I just need enough.

Backwards

Now I will tell you a little more about myself. I type slower than I think and I transpose many letters. So a blanket apology.
I have been married and divorced twice and apparently I suck at it, though I did like being married. The past 7 years I have been trying to figure out where I want to be literally, and figuratively. So I am planning, yet again, to go to school. And, yet again, I am looking for work. Right now I need something that will sustain me while I am going to school. Doesn't have to be much, just allow me to pay my bills. I figure I can get through school in 5 years or less.

And then, where do I wan to live? I live close to my family and will continue to do that as long as my mother remains alive, but she is 86, and well, she is 86. So I want to live in a fairly temperate climate, where I can grow a decent garden. I grew up in the deep south and was raised on home grown vegetables. And I now live in the Pacific Northwest, where you can grow some stuff, but not the really hot weather stuff, like good tomatoes and okra and southern peas- black eye peas, field peas, crowder peas, butter beans, lady peas. And tomatoes that taste sweet and ripen mid summer, not just in time for the first frost like they do here. And lots of corn.

And I miss living outside. It generally isn't warm enough at night to really stay outside into the evenings. I am thinking more Southwest that Southeast- less humid. As I get older the humidity makes it harder for me to breathe.

I have siblings that live here, but 2 are retired and spend time in Mexico and Yuma in the winter.

What else about me? Hmmm, I am a non-christian, hard core, left wing liberal. I follow an earth based religious path, but I don't think it is all that incompatible with other religions. I believe my God is the same God and the Christian God, I just don't assign gender, and definition. I believe God is unknowable and undefinable, not some guy living in the clouds, but an enitity that exists in how you see her (okay, or him). I prefer to see her as a her. And she exists in the clouds and water and air and sun. By assigning a gender to God, it helps me identify with God. But I don't actually believe this entity has gender. Does that make any sense? It does to me, and that is what matters. I believe that god is the source of all things, therefore, gave us intelligence and reason and so when scientists say the earth is billions of years old, it is with the intelligence that god gave them they made these conclusions. ANd I do believe that life begins at conception, but that that life does not take priority over another life until it is viable. So, until it is viable, it is not a baby. Women should have the right to make decisions over their bodies and lives.

I figured I would through out all my beliefs right up front and offend you now rather than later. Then if you stick around you know what you might expect.

I am loving and compassionate and I do not hold grudges. I think it is okay to do things that benefit the greatest number of people, and some things that may border on socialism, if it is for the right reasons. Eliminating poverty, creating an affordable health care system for all citizens of this country. Those things help everyone, not just the target audience.

I am not anti war across the board. I am wildly opposed to the Iraq war, but supported us in Afghanistan. I think war must be the last possible option, not the first. And I think talking to your enemy is absolutely neccessary to avoid war if possible.

I believe that people are mostly good.

Blessed be.

A new year

In the vast number of bloggers out there, what do I have to say that is any different? Probably nothing. But sometimes, putting something down in words makes it more real and guides out intentions. SO here are my intentions for the coming year.
*I need to get a new job that will sustain me while I go to school.
*I need to enroll and GO to school, not just talk about it. Seriously, I am 50, it is overdue!
*I need to get this messy house in hand and do the selling of crap to supplement the bank account.
*I need to be more social. I am a hermit. Not good.
*I need to try to squeeze in creative time. It always gets left in the dirt.

That is enough of a list for now, but it is a start.